Discovering Me Chapter 2

THE ENLIGHTENING 

When I was a little kid I used to be afraid of balloons. Not the physical balloon itself, but of how easy it was to lose it. What terrified me the most was how simple it was for the string to slip through my tiny fingers allowing the balloon to freely float away from my grasp and into the clouds.

This fear relates a lot to my last relationship. The relationship is the balloon that I was afraid to let go of, because I knew that once I loosened my grip there was no getting it back.

I had become very dependent on my ex-boyfriend (more than I like to admit). Because of my overly dramatic fear of driving he gave me rides, he helped with the bills, and he was my social outlet because I was too shy to make my own friends, so I tried to become a part of his friends. Most importantly he was my sense of familiarity when I was living two hours away from home for the first time.

Even though I knew that I wasn’t necessarily happy anymore I was too afraid to let go of this “balloon” it was nice having it around so I didn’t have to face my fears and demons on my own.  

The day I became single I was a mess. My balloon was gone, my comfort was gone. I was moving back to school in a couple of weeks which meant that I would have to learn how to deal with my anxieties on my own. I didn’t have anyone to depend on anymore, but myself. That thought alone was scary. I kept asking myself “Will I be able to do this?”

The next day I went to work early to keep my mind busy. I was alone at my job for a while and then one of the interns came in. We worked together on feeding the animals that live in the business we work at. I held my emotions together the entire time and acted as if nothing in my life had changed.

My boss came in and since her and my mother talk a lot she knew of my break-up. She came over and gave a hug and told me “Never Settle for less, Settle for more”. For a moment I broke down and let myself cry. When the hug ended my boss went to her office, I wiped my tears away, and went back to work.

The intern that I had been working with witnessed the interaction between my boss and me. She came over and also gave me a hug. Little did I know what the intern was about to say was going to become a game changer for me.

“You are so Strong”

 is the phrase she told me. Hearing that was literally like the moment where the thunder and the rain go away and the sun starts shining through the clouds.

Such a simple phrase, yet it changed how I started perceiving this break up.

Yeah I lost my comfort and the person I had grown to depend on. My balloon was gone, but for the first time I was starting to realize that it was actually weighing me down. Now I didn't have to worry about holding on to it anymore. It was time focus on myself. 

Hearing “you are strong” was the moment I knew I would be able to do this. I would go back to school, I would live on my own, I would become dependent on me. For the first time in a long time, I was excited for my future. That is why I called this chapter The Enlightening. No matter how scary it is to let go of something that brings you comfort, sometimes the weight of holding on is more damaging.

We are strong. 

To be continued… 

As Always, 

Thanks for reading! 

Until Next time, 

Kay.